How to Cope When Your Spouse or Partner Has Cancer

If your spouse or partner has cancer, you’re likely trying to support them the best you can. But the reality is, many caregivers often face struggles of their own.

In fact, a new study published in JAMA Oncology found that the spouses of people with cancer are at increased risk for both attempting suicide and dying by suicide. This risk was especially high in the first year after a spouse’s diagnosis. The risk was also higher if their partner received an advanced cancer diagnosis or if their partner died from cancer.

“To me, this study highlights the unique stressors on caregivers and the need for resources and support for that group. Where we need the most support is that first year after the diagnosis, so caregivers can feel like their grief has an outlet and a place to work itself out,” said Tara Sanft, MD, an American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO) expert and Associate Professor of Medicine in Medical Oncology at the Yale School of Medicine.

It can be hard to focus on your own needs while caring for a spouse or partner with cancer. Still, it can help to remember that prioritizing your own well-being is essential to the well-being of your spouse or partner, too.

Recognizing depression and anxiety

It’s common to experience a range of emotions when your husband, wife, or partner is diagnosed with cancer. You may feel like they are pushing you away if they don’t seem accepting of your efforts. You may feel sad, angry, guilty, lonely, or afraid. However, many people may try to ignore these emotions to focus on supporting their spouse.

“Emotionally, oftentimes the attention is on the patient,” said Dr. Sanft. “So, if the caregiver is feeling emotional turmoil, it might be suppressed in an effort to put on a supportive appearance or a brave face for the patient.”

It’s also common for spouses and partners to have difficulty coping with their new caregiving obligations. “The roles may change as the person caring for their loved one with cancer may now have to take on additional responsibilities or resume roles that were primarily dedicated to their spouse or partner. Those role changes can cause added stress or relationship strain,” said Kristen Madrid, LCSW, an oncology social worker at the Yale Cancer Center Survivorship Clinic.

If you find that negative thoughts or changing emotions are starting to interfere with your daily life, they may be a sign of a bigger problem. For example, they may signal depression or anxiety. Cancer caregivers are at higher risk for both of these. That’s why it’s so important for caregivers to recognize the signs of these conditions and seek help if they’re experiencing them.

Symptoms of depression or anxiety include:

• Loss of appetite or eating more than usual
• Trouble sleeping
• Lack of energy
• Losing interest in things you used to enjoy
• Difficulty focusing or remembering things
• Feeling irritable or restless
• Having unexplained anger
• Worrying more than usual

If you experience thoughts of harming yourself, contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline right away by dialing 988. They can connect you with your local crisis center for help.

Coping when your spouse or partner has cancer

First, it’s important to seek help if you’re having difficulty coping. A mental health professional can help you address and manage the emotions you may be experiencing. You can ask your doctor for a referral to a mental health specialist.

Other ways to cope with your spouse or partner’s diagnosis include:

• Keeping open communication. Talking openly and honestly with your spouse or partner about what you’re feeling, including your fears and concerns. These discussions can be beneficial for both of you. “This allows for patients and their caregivers to feel seen, heard, and understood,” said Dr. Sanft. If you’re worried about putting stress on your spouse or partner, remember that you can always discuss your feelings with their cancer care team.
• Spending time with other people who are important to you. Nurturing your other relationships, including those with your friends and family, is crucial for your own well-being. Your family and friends can also help give you breaks in caring for your spouse or partner, even if it’s only for a few hours at a time. Seeking support from a spiritual or religious leader may be helpful as well.
• Joining a support group. You can ask the cancer care team if there is a support group available specifically for the spouses, partners, or caregivers of people with cancer. “It can be incredibly validating to know you’re not alone,” said Dr. Sanft.
• Taking care of your physical health. Exercising, eating healthy foods, and getting enough sleep can all contribute to improving both your physical and mental health. “As much as possible, keeping up with your own healthy routines is going to be really important to getting through this marathon of cancer care and treatment,” said Dr. Sanft.

Dr. Sanft is a member of ASCO’s Patient Information Editorial Board.