Helping Children When Someone They Know Has Cancer

When a loved one has cancer, children may go through periods of worry, sadness, fear, and uncertainty. However, these emotions might look different in children and teens than in adults.

The way children understand illness depends on their age, their relationship with the person who is ill, and how the adults around them communicate and offer support.

You can help children cope with changes in their lives. Being honest and open with children and teens helps them feel safe, builds trust, and gives them a chance to adjust to changes over time. No matter where your family is on this journey, there are ways to help children cope at every stage.

Talking with a child or teen about cancer

Telling children the truth helps lower the chance they get partial or false information from someone else. It also helps to fill in knowledge from conversations they overhear or do not understand.

Open communication builds trust and gives the child a chance to adjust to changes. Telling the truth is especially important for teens. It is also important to give children space and time to ask questions and express their feelings. This will help them understand what’s going on. And it may help them worry less.

Share the right amount of information

How much you tell children depends on their age, their personality, and their ability to understand the information. The goal is to tell the truth in such a way that children can understand and set expectations. Consider using a children’s or teen book about cancer to guide the discussion. Your local librarian might be able to help you find one. It may be helpful to give children information in small amounts. Check with them as you give more information to see if they understand or have any questions.

Encourage children to ask questions or express their concerns. Knowing what a child is wondering about or doesn’t understand can help you decide what to share.

How to explain cancer to a child or teen

Children of different ages will understand a cancer diagnosis differently. Here are a few things to help you explain what is happening and comfort them.

Explain that cancer is a serious illness

It can be helpful to explain the difference between a common illness, such as a cold or a headache, and a serious illness like cancer. Share what to expect in a way that fits the child’s age and understanding.

Use words children will understand

Children need to know enough to be prepared for what might happen and how it will affect them. Younger children usually need less detail than older kids. However, if it’s someone in the family, most kids of all ages need to know these basics:

• The type of cancer (for example, colon cancer or lymphoma)
• Where the cancer is in the body
• What will happen with treatment
• How treatment might change how the loved one looks and feels
• How the child’s life and routines might change

Provide reassurance

When someone is first diagnosed with cancer, the outlook of the cancer and its treatment may not fully be known. Still, it is important to give a child reassurance. You can assure the child that no matter what happens, someone will always provide care for them. This is especially important if the person with cancer is the parent of the child. If you are helping plan their care, you may choose to share the plan with the child.

Besides the illness itself, children can have other worries about the cancer. A common worry that children have is that something they did or didn’t do might have caused a parent’s or loved one’s illness. Reassure children that they did not cause the cancer.

How children might react

A child’s reaction to the cancer diagnosis of a loved one depends on their age, their relationship to the person diagnosed, and how the information is given to them. Their understanding might also be impacted by past experiences. For example, a child who knows someone who has died from cancer might expect the same thing to happen again.

Remember these things about how children react to changes or worry:

• Children may show you how they feel more than they tell you in words. You might notice your child acting more clingy or needy, worrying more, or acting differently than usual. They might also express themselves through drawing, coloring, or playing.
• Children might regress, or act younger, when they are under stress. For example, a child who was toilet trained might start having accidents. Some children might begin to have separation anxiety or a harder time paying attention in school.
• Children may worry about their loved one dying. Be honest and let them know what’s going on in an age-appropriate way. Let them know you will share updates if things change. Giving truthful information can help them cope well from day to day.

Keep conversations age-appropriate

Children of different ages understand cancer diagnoses differently. Young children may worry they can “catch” cancer or that they may have caused it. Older kids and teens may worry about how the diagnosis will affect their lives or their loved ones’ future. Learning how to share information about the diagnosis, treatment, and side effects honestly and in an age-appropriate way can help children learn what to expect, feel more secure, and feel less afraid.

Helping children and teens cope during treatment

Talk about expected side effects and physical changes

Once treatment starts, the child may see side effects like tiredness, weight changes, hair loss, or vomiting. Seeing these physical changes can be scary for a child.

Children most likely will react to the physical changes treatment causes. Trying to prepare them can help, but it can still be a shock. The way you react will affect the way they do. Remind them about the purpose of the treatment.

Children are often sensitive to how others react, especially their peers, who may ask questions. This may be harder for teens who tend to think about appearance or feeling different. It may be helpful to prepare them for the physical changes and talk with them about how to respond to their friends.

Keep consistent routines

If changes are expected to the usual routine, talk to the children about it. When they know what to expect, they are more likely to cope with changes better. For example, if a parent has cancer, the parent might seek help from a neighbor, friend, or another family member to help take the children to and from school. Or they may ask a trusted person to attend after school programs or activities, such as sports.

During this time, children of all ages may want to help more with household tasks. It’s important to allow children, especially teens, to help. But avoid putting too much responsibility on them at this time. Younger children might want to help too. It may be helpful for them to feel involved.

Reduce stress and family tension

Communication or other problems between parents can add to a child’s stress. This is especially true if parents are separated or divorced. If there are problems, manage them away from the child. Added tension can make it harder for the whole family to get through an already difficult time.

Tips for supporting children

Finding family and community support

Healthy emotional support for parents and children

Building a support network of families, friends, and other trusted adults can help provide emotional and practical support for both you and your child during this challenging time.

Sometimes, a parent will rely on their child for emotional support when there’s not another adult in the home. This is often not healthy for the child. If a parent or caregiver has a serious illness, it can be very easy for a child to feel they need to support or take care of the parent. It’s important to make sure emotional responsibilities are appropriate for a child’s age and development.

Open communication with children and teens can help them feel reassured and supported. Taking care of them during a loved one’s illness can help them cope with the changes that might occur. But it’s OK if you need support, too. If you feel you need support, consider reaching out to your healthcare team or the child’s care team for resources.

Support for children, teens, and families

Access to a good support network can make a big difference in how families and children cope. Older children, like teenagers, might benefit from joining a support group or talking to other trusted adults.

There are local and national camps or support groups for children whose parents have a cancer diagnosis. Camp Kesem is a national camp that has local chapters. Other support groups might also be available in your area.

If a support network doesn’t exist, talk to a nurse, social worker, chaplain, or clergy member, or case manager about available resources. It might also be helpful to access community-based mentors, such as school counselors, teachers, coaches, scout leaders, or even trusted friends and neighbors.

Support for caregivers

If you are having a hard time with usual parenting responsibilities or coping with changes, it may help you to speak with a counselor or social worker. They might also be able to help you find resources for you and your family.

Financial challenges also are common when faced with a cancer diagnosis. Ask your healthcare team, including your social worker, if there are any resources that might be helpful for your situation.

Support for nontraditional families

Family structures may not all be the same, and some kids may need extra or unique support.

Nontraditional families can include those with adopted or foster children. They can include those with parents who are divorced, separated, single, widowed, or unmarried. They can also include those with parents who are LGBTQIA+. There are many support resources for families that can provide safe and caring environments with others that have similar experiences. If you would like help finding these resources, talk to your cancer care team.

Support from other caregivers or school

Parents or loved ones can choose to share some information about the cancer diagnosis and treatment with their child’s caregivers or school. Be sure to tell the child you plan to do this to give them a chance to share their thoughts and prepare.

Consider talking with your child’s teacher or guidance counselor. You don’t have to tell them everything about the illness, just enough to help them understand what your child is going through. If your child is having trouble, school staff will probably notice changes in their behavior or performance. Having this information will help them support the child.

It can help to talk with the child about what they feel comfortable sharing on social media about the cancer diagnosis. You might also prepare them for questions from others about their loved one’s illness. Help them practice simple responses they can use if they don’t want to share much. This can make questions easier to handle.